Rantings of a Queer Pagan

Contemplating Death

I've been contemplating death today, pondering the phenomena that is guaranteed to all of us. I'm sure my thoughts aren't unique on the situation, or overly philosophical either, but they are mine. I'm sure at one point or another we've all thought about death. For most of us that thought is "Lets not go there k?" We fear it, its a cultural thing, understandably so too.

Ones initial objection to thinking of death no doubt comes from some form of the western ideal of progress is bigger better, stronger faster, yet our life runs the opposite of that theory. I've always found it interesting that many people fear growing old. I don't think its the growing old that is the issue, not even the loss of youth, but the fear of fading away, or being a burden and a flicker of life like a candle wick struggling to stay above the melted wax below it. I see it in the eyes of the patients I transport throughout the day. Its hard not to notice the sadness, the guilt, like they don't deserve the treatment they're getting and rather just crawl up and disappear. You contemplate death a lot in this job I find. After awhile, the shock and horror of a body dissipates and death is second nature, we are a hospital after all, people die. That is reality. And they should too, that is another reality.

I've decided that I won't fear death, and I never really have, but now I'm stating it. I accept death, of myself, and those around me. It needs to happen, and is in fact, healthy, ironic as that is. But all this fuzzy philosophy comes with a catch, if I'm going to not fear death, and embrace it when its time, I also have to do the same for life, that is the hard part. Its not that I'm suicidal, but we all know how difficult it is to lead life with a constant zeal and passion for life, and a few of us know how much more difficult it is to do that when your brain treats serration like a virus to be expelled. It CAN be done though, it requires a conscious commitment. One that I'm not going to say I'm going to make right now, because that would be a lie. I enjoy life, I'm in awe of the world around me, but I forget, I get wrapped up in "the real world" and drift from the real world. I want to make that commitment, I want to make Carpe Diem more than an slogan or a halfhearted wish, I want to make it a way of life. I just don't know how to do that yet. I'll figure it out though. That I can commit to. I'll work on how to make that a daily reality, not a weekly "wouldn't it be nice if." I want to embrace every second of life, not the occasional day or weekend. I'll get there, I know I will, I just set the goal.

Part of this exploration made me think about how I wish my body be dealt with when I die. I want what can be harvested for organ donation then for science, harvested. I belive this because I believe that I do not need my body, but more importantly, others could benefit from my death. Something that makes me feel very good, knowing that I can give, even in death, its not an immortality thing, its a community conscience thing, from my point of view. Anyway, when that's all said and done, I want whatever is left over cremated put into the simplest wooden urn possible and have it buried in Calgary, my eternal home, in a place with lots and lots of trees. I want my death to mimic my life, I try to leave the smallest ecological footprint as I can (though I'm not always successful in that regard.) I want people to celebrate, not mourn, I want to fade away from the planet physically, but thrive in memory. That's what I want.

Let's just say that I don't fear death, but I'm in no hurry to meet it either, when it comes, I'll be ready, until then I might as well enjoy life, after all, its only time.

posted by Kasper @ 01:10